Posted by: Andy | November 19, 2004

Why I Hate LA

10:21 AM – Why I hate LA
Ok, this used to be posted on a website I don’t have anymore, and its rather long, but some people have asked for me to put it back online somewhere, and this is as good a place as any (there used to be links to pictures, but these are long gone):

*People who, when I point out obvious flaws about this glorious city in which I fester my existence away, defend it with “but its LA!”. Technically speaking, the retardation level on this statement surpasses any conversation that could be had with a bean eating elephants asshole, and reeks of political speech training. (did anyone see that that episode of Real Time with Bill Maher where the author kept asking the politician (sorry i’m bad with names, but this is the politician who coined the ‘axis of evil’ phrase) was asking him ‘what does evil mean to you?’ and the fucking dude spent like 10 minutes going around the question and talking about having to maintain relations with other countries and having to have allies that were not ‘good people’ and such and such…but never answering the goddam question!!! I mean, shit, you can admit that you are allies with a country that funds the very organizations that you are labeling as ‘terrorists’ and say that you think someone raping a baby with an adze is evil in the same breath. Jesus H donkey fucking Christ people. You cover your asses so much I’m surprised you can squeeze solid feces through that screen.

*Celebrities. No I’m not talking uber movie stars or rap rock monsters (although they are included as well), I’m just talking about people who exist because their names are bandied about on television and radio like they were the cure for cancer or some shit. And the fact that I cannot avoid seeing them. Seriously, can’t their pr people just keep them on a leash locked up in a little cell force feeding them diet pills and roofies somewhere unless they have to come out and film something? Oh, and news flash film reel fuckers: most of them look downright motherfucking SCARY in real life. I wonder if they really think that collagen injections are attractive, or are they so brainwashed by everyone saying they are attractive that they don’t care what they actually look like. Its all about society redefining our perception of reality and how gullible or desperate you have to be to buy into it. Which reminds me of my theory about celebrities in general: I don’t think they should be real people. They should be actual public property, ie some kind of very complicated data structure consisting of a physical appearance and some general personality traits (which are increasingly fluid as the amount of money involved increases) that anyone can use in any film or medium that they want, as long as they shell out the $$ to …I dunno… someone (I haven’t thought this through that far) in order to obtain permission to use the avatar. Of course, certain…usages would be more expensive than others. At least this way we wouldn’t have to hear about some celebrity bitching about the media invading their privacy every other day. Hey. Clue: this is what you signed on for, now shut the fuck up and sign grannies autograph or high tail it back to Bumblefuck Alabama where you were born before you moved to LA.

*HUMMERS. How stupid do you have to be if you need me to tell you why Hummers in LA are a Bad Thing™?

*The little dudes that stand out in the middle of an intersection directing traffic WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE WORKING. If you’ve driven in Santa Monica or parts of Ventura Blvd you will know what I’m talking about. Ok, I understand their use when there is an accident or the lights are broke or something. But…please caucasian…when the lights are fully functional and the traffic directions you are giving are exactly parallel to what the lights are saying well, fuck man, that’s just stupid. I’m not even going to bother with a complex metaphor. You don’t deserve it.

*Jesus bumper stickers. OK OK, this is not just in LA…but elsewhere you don’t have to sit behind these assholes for 30-120 minutes at a time wondering what the fuck they were thinking when they applied said sticker – and did they lick the bumper before doing so? Cuz..seriously…what, am I supposed to go “oh, that fucker that cut me off loves Jesus, so I’m sure he/she/it only had the best intensions when they yanked their car into the non-existent space in front of mine and caused me to experience a most unpleasant form of hugging in the way of seatbelt love”? My favorite of these stickers reads “Jesus is God, read the Bible”, or “Jesus es Dios, lean el biblio” if you live where I do (something like that sorry my Spanish is for shit, NO, not ‘fo shizzy’, ‘for shit’ – it means my Spanish sucks, asswipe). Can they possibly comprehend how ass-shaped-box this statement is? If someone is already ignorant enough to believe the bible literally, then they don’t need to be told what most would say is the ‘theme’ of said book (to put it mutha-fuckin-lightly), and they will probably be offended by you telling them that most basic of facts which they should already be aware of. And, if someone is somewhat open minded enough to realize that a book written and edited by a bureaucracy who suppressed and slaughtered anyone with a difference of opinion is about as likely to be the word of god as one written by a guy who got his divine words from looking into a hat, they will just laugh at the ignorance of said sticker wearer. I mean really, how many people (ok I know there are some…) are stupid enough to change their entire life view because a bumper sticker told them to (hell, maybe what Paul actually saw was just some fancy graffiti scrawled on the back side of a donkey cart and they were really just that stupid and easily swayed to begin with). The laziest fucking form of evangelism I know of. And I know of many.

*People who pull into traffic, sit there for about 20 minutes, then suddenly and violently pull an illegal U turn and go the other way. This seriously cracks me up – I mean you live in LA people, is this somehow a surprise to you? Hmmmmmm. And why wait 20 minutes? You know and I know that traffic is not going anywhere, its camped out over this city like mtv on carson daily’s ass (what is it with that anyway – that guy is the most insipid ass kissing turd snorter that I have ever seen. I guess that’s what they want us all to aspire to be. Really people, this should be a sign to never watch MTV again. But I digress.)

*Big dog, little apartment. Whose bright idea was it to get a german sheperd or a pitbull and stick it in a one bedroom apartment with barely enough room to pass out drunk on the floor, let alone pass out drunk on the floor without sleeping in big piles of dog shit? And then (AND THEN he said), these people take their monster dogs which have never seen a yard or chased a car in their lives out for walks on the tiny things that pass for sidewalks around here, and let them fill up the 3×10 foot grass squares with their shit. Once I actually saw a guy with a little glove cleaning up after his dog. ONCE. So whenever you actually go for a walk (ok, maybe you don’t, but we do), odds are you are going to smell powerful old rotting shit ever 3-4 minutes.

*People who park in the middle of a two car curb. What the fuck are they thinking? The only possible answer must be “Hey, I’m going to be a complete and total dick for no reason at all.”

*Billboards. Again, this goes back to my previous argument something along the lines of “anyone stupid enough to buy something because they saw it on a giant wooden sign should be put down.” And, if we start putting all those people down, then we can take the billboards down because they will have no purpose! I guess this category should technically cover things likethis nonsensical piece of filth. Mind you, there are ZERO context clues to help you figure out what this means – its on an empty building – no product/company name anywhere, etc. Maybe its another “LA thing” and I’m just too ignorant to know who the little exploding ball man is, but really, if you are trying to sell a product, you’d think you’d want people to know what the fuck you were selling. Or it could be one of those new fangled ads like Target’s subliminal ones, but it just looks too shitty for that – I mean its on a fucking tarp for chrissake!

*Homeless people with radios. Homeless people don’t seem to give a shit what happens to them (in a general sense). They don’t care if you call the cops on them. So there is absolutely nothing, short of a shot gun, to stop a homeless person from falling asleep outside your window with their radio on full blast. This has happened to us 2 or 3 times now and its fucknoxious. I’ve asked the guy politely, yelled at him, threatened to call the cops, etc. I did stop short of attempting to physically move him because, lets face it, fucker is dirrrrrrrrrrrrty and I’m not a big fan of transmittable infections.

*Public urination and masturbation. This probably falls under the homeless banner but I figured it was interesting enough to warrant its own little bullet. So we were leaving our house the other morning, maybe 10ish and there is this guy just standing on the corner with his dick out pissing up a river straight on the sidewalk. Oooooo kkkk. Oh. this reminds me, I took a picture of homeless guy pissing on campus (UCLA) last year because I thought it was so fucking hilarious. Right out in public, where plenty of people are chilling. And they don’t even care. Fuckers. Picture is [no link at the moment]. I know, I missed the actual “stream” in the photo – but trust me it was there. And, then, to top it off, Thursday I was driving back from “North Hollywood” (don’t let the name fool you, its like 3 cities away from Hollywood and nothing like it) the long way – 170 south -> 134 or something -> cahuenga -> sunset -> ucla (this would be one of the 3 or 4 ways of getting to UCLA from where I take my wife to work that I mentioned) and, right up by the Magic Castle (right out in front actually) is this dude who doesn’t look terribly homeless, just ugly and lonely, full on playing POCKET POOL. Like the special bus kids do whenever they feel like it, but this guy didn’t look like a regular rider of that bus (but who knows really). He had his hand in his pocket and was just wanking away with all his little heart. God bless us every one.

*RiCockulous parking costs. [edit: pic removed]

*Smog. I know, this one is really easy, but I always forget about it – then we drive out to the desert or something and I wonder why I’m gagging the second we get into the area. Then I look up at the sky. Or rather, what’s between the sky and I. Here’s a nice shot of our favorite para-elemental (if anyone knows what I’m talking about you must be lame like me šŸ™‚ ) growing in strength as you go deeper into the city. [edit: link removed]

*Completely baffling parking signs (at least to people who use their brains for something other than feeding their hair). I guess if you are like most people, you just look at the signs for 1/3 of a second, look around to see if anyone else is parked there, check your benz/bmw/hummer for scratches before you leave, and rest confident in the fact that you can pay as many parking tickets as you need. But, if you are like me, you try to avoid paying tickets because uh…you are poor. So, taking a glance at this sign here, we can make out the following: from 4am-7am you can’t park at all, from 8am-10am you can park for two hours (so basically from 8am-10pm you can park, PERIOD, no need to add extraneous info like “2 hours”) and from 10pm-2am you can park for 4 hours. So what you are really watching out for is 6 hours of parking – I *think* that’s what they want to avoid is someone who parks for the whole six hours. So why not just have it say “8am-2am, 4 hour parking.” Does this seem rational to anyone else? I could be crazy. Can you use 1 hour from the 8-10 period and then 5 from the 10-2 period, do they add up or not play well together or what? What the fuck. But the real trick is what happens from 2am-4am, a period on which the previously verbose signage is rather lax. One is simply left to wonder, and indeed, to gamble with their very life itself if they wish to park during that period. We could also question the period between 7am & 8am, but asking too many questions often gets one vanished.

*”Staffing” Agencies: what the fuck is the problem with people in LA that requires them to be so fucking paranoid that they can’t even interview and hire their own employees. Oh, right, they live in LA. Now I realize staffing agencies are everywhere, but I’ve never seem them used to the extent they are here. The only ads you find in the paper are uber specific, and require degrees for idiotic things no one in their right mind should have a degree in. OK, fucking really, WHO gets a degree in bookkeeping – you can teach a monkey how to do simple accounting. I think the real reason for usage of such agencies is so both parties can be dicks and be in the clear with no human moral responsibility whatsoever.

Case in point:
staffing agency tells you: “oh you’ll only be temporary here for a week, then they’ll perm you” what actually happens: you work there for two months continually wondering when you will get permed, then get a phone call from the agency saying: “they said not to come back”. no info, no nothing. the company gets to avoid all semblances of decency and testicle-shaped objects by not actually having to fire you, and hell, the agency isn’t responsible either because “they didn’t tell us why they didn’t want you to come back, I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do.”

Pig Fuckers.

*The fact that people here claim to be so metropolitan and open minded/culturally aware – “oh I have plenty of black/white/asian/latino/ecuadorian/elven/jewish sex midget friends”, but they still give us shit and funny looks for being an interracial couple (white + black = a nice shade of grey for those uncle fuckers out there doing their math). Hey. Fuck you buddy, and the horse you rode in with your dick stuck in its ass. This goes out to just as many stupid black people as stupid white people. Do you want to live in the 50’s forever? I know I don’t. The really funny thing is when you see black guys hitting on really ugly – I’m talking rather-eat-their-ass-out-than-kiss-their-face ugly – white girls, then turn around and say shit about us out of the other side of their mouth. Please.

Please what? Please volunteer yourself for radiation therapy testing.

*It took me 68 minutes to go about 12 miles today. And this was the fastest route of the 3 or 4 choices. Of course, they could bulldoze the fuck out of laurel or stonewater or royal pussy puncher canyon or whatnot, and build what would actually count for a road through those hills. Of course, as much as this pisses me off, it also slightly amuses me because the rich people built their shit out there to be “away” from LA while still being able to dash out to their little coke clubs, or grab a quick lick on some cosmetic surgeons slimy dung-hole when they need a fix…..surprise plastic viagra gnome fuckers… you can’t get away from LA.

*Same thing with the subways…someone go kill every single person in Beverly Hills who bitches about subways bringing “unwanted” types into their area (hey…I know you didn’t pay for it, but this clue is for free: subways run UNDER ground. don’t say I never gave you no love). LA actually has a decent subway system – if it goes somewhere you need to go, which isn’t often. Just imagine the possibilities if the subway could run *gasp* east to west as well as north to south.

*The fact that people here are so fucktarded they don’t even realize that life is not supposed to be this way. Hey shit fuckers who don’t scrub thoroughly – you should not be spending 3-4 hours of your day in a fucking car (unless of course you are a prostitute, which I am led to believe about 97.3% LA’s inhabitants are in the spiritual sense). That’s right Boy Blowjob, there is more to life than sitting on your ass on a cell phone. I hear people bragging “oh, my commute is only 45 minutes.” Dude. 4 in 45 minutes is nothing to brag about. Unless you are the type to brag about renal failure. No wonder everyone down here acts like they have that fat ass playboy “model” that married the rich guy right before he died and then somehow wound up with her own tv show stuck up their asses….so much sitting down everyday must make it all raw and rashy.

*whew* breath. done. sorry. long fuckass lame day.

*Really stupid people: So today (1/19/04) I’m driving west down Santa Monica and I need to make a U-Turn (near La Cienega), so I get into the special little U-TURN LANE. And I make a U-Turn. Lo and behold, some chick is trying to cross the street – where there is NO CROSSWALK. So, I see her, stop, turn and go around her, etc. What does she do? She stops in the goddam mutherfucking middle of the road, and stares at me with that oh-no-you-didn’t look. I didn’t what you stupid bitch??? I WAS IN THE U TURN LANE…YOU WERE CROSSING WITHOUT A CROSS WALK!!! Why was she surprised that I made a U-Turn – from a lane where that is your only option. Jesus fucking christ people. Look, I’ll buy the gun if you promise to shoot yourself several times in the head with it.



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