Posted by: Andy | July 29, 2006

I just “watched” Elektra…

I say “watched” because I’m not sure what you technically call it when more than half the time you have fast forward on.

The question now is how much time do I spend describing how poorly it was executed? Hmmm, choices choices.

One thing I was reminded of right off the bat is how poor of a grasp American screenwriters have on martial arts sequences. They really, really, like making a bad guy to be over the top powerful, then throw in some posturing, then the hero (who really couldn’t ever actually take the bad guy) gets a hearty dose of motivation from a convenient flashback and then kills the bad guy in one shot. Really? How is that satisfying for the audience? In fact, WHO is that satisfying for? You may have guessed that the bad guy kicked Elektra’s butt all over the place, then she had a convenient motivational flashback, then she proceeded to just stand up and stab him in the chest. Ooooookkkkkk…

Oh, and whoever thought having a bunch of sheets fly around obstructing the combat and making it so you don’t have to actually have any combat because the sheets are are hiding all the action…brilliant!!!

No seriously…you took the old hong kong action tradition of the final fight in a completely bizarre situation (standing on top of tiny poles in the New Legend of Shaolin (I think…) was one of my favorites) and made it American by making it lazy, pointless, and unrewarding! Kudos my friends, kudos. Never mind there was no real reason why the sheets were floating in the air for five minutes.

Let’s see what else…oh yeah, Jennifer whatever looks about as Greek as I do. It’s one thing to change a story to allow for an American actor to play something when you’re too ignorant or lazy to cast a real non-whitey, it’s something else entirely when you just stick whitey in and claim they are whatever. While this wasn’t exactly what’s his name in Breakfast at Tiffany’s stupid and offensive, it was just plain silly. And she also shakes her ass more than a fresh french hooker in 3 dollar plastic purple pumps. Pretty much all the time.

Deep in thought, ass shakin walk? Check.
Cleaning the house, ass shakin walk? Check.
Carrying the dead body of the girl you’ve gone through all this trouble to save, ass shakin walk? Check.
Man Jennifer, you’ve got it COVERED.

Oh, and the filmmakers, as expected, took any excuse they could to have her in between changing in a bra. Not that I have anything against pointless t&a in the movies…far from it. I just don’t think she’s that attractive. So that’s just me being selfish I guess. I’m sure some people dig the horse-face&ears-granny-lips-ass-shakin-machine that married an Affleck. Evidently the wrong one if the current movie hipsters are to be trusted. Is she related to James Garner? Because she kinda looks like him. I’m not saying she’s ugly, she’s just plain.

Oh wait wait wait the best is yet to come. All the evil ninja are Japanese and the good ones are British/American. TOTALLY! Ok, ok I know you are saying there was one black guy & one white guy in the bad ninja group. The white guy just had a bunch of tattoos and sat around. The black guy was, you guessed it! Really big. There was also this other goofy dude who, I kid you not, didn’t seem to have any special powers other than a goofy look on his face. I’m not sure how that puts him on par with the other ones but maybe he was like a childhood friend or something?

Oh wait wait wait yes that’s right, WAIT for it – the “treasure” (the super ninja protege) is….drum roll please…a little white girl whose previous dream was to be in one those annoying My Little Pony commercials. Because you know she totally has them all. Or whatever their equivalent is today. I know, I’m out of the toy loop.

This makes sense I guess, white ninja would be training up some more white ninja to take out them evil Japanese ninja. Just because they invented that shit don’t mean…oh shit…they invented it? Man, do I feel dumb now!

There were a few gleams of things that could have been actual interesting plot points – cold wars between ninja clans, the fact that one of the bad guys was the previous “treasure”, some pretty forest scenery. Oh wait, scratch the forest scenery, I guess that doesn’t count as an actual plot point. Close though.

[EDITORS NOTE: ADDED FROM COMMENTS SECTION]

I wasn’t trying to give her credit for ass shaking, I was hoping someone would put her down for it…..ok the one shot where she’s carrying the girl’s body and the camera was like on the ground angled directly up at her ass as she swacks it around and the fucking MOONLIGHT GLITTERS OFF HER SHINY PANTS? I almost stabbed myself in the penis with a clip-on desk lamp (it was all I had nearby) in shame at what some poor shmuck director’s penis had made him do.

Although, you know, in retrospect. I bet his penis was ashamed too. This one time it was his brain going “Man, my penis is gonna love this!” But then when the scene was presented in all its “glory” his penis was like “Shat man that’s just low!”

Advertisements

Responses

  1. Hold on. Do we lose all our glorious comments just because you snobs moved your blogs?!?

  2. I could probably move them over too – but I did all the other moving by hand.

    One of the (many) problems with myspace is that it’s not setup like a real blog – you can’t get at the database/etc.

    What do you think, would you rather have all the old commentary carried over? I would probably just have it as like a [PREVIOUS COMMENTS] section either in the main post, or as a single comment.

    Worst case, there is plenty of time for new madness. I’m sure at some point in the future I’ll say something witty again. …Or at least I hope so.

  3. Here’s the thing. I could give a shit about everyone else’s blog comments. But mine should definitely be brought over. Because I’m Bethany. Is the thing.


Categories

%d bloggers like this: