Posted by: Andy | May 5, 2007

Movie Review – Spider-Man 3

Don’t read this if you don’t want to be spoiled. I’d also suggest not watching the movie, but hey.

The short of it:
It sucked. It did not pass go, did not collect $200, and did succumb to the X-Men 3/Bat Man & Robin/three-quel curse.

The long of it:
The action scenes were really great, and enjoyable to watch.

Whoever wrote this movie (note to self: lookup screen-writer and make mental note to vomit in mouth later), possibly a committee, cribbed some blatantly obvious shit from run-of-the-mill american romantic comedic movies. There is more but this is all I can recall at the moment, the idiocy is blinding my brain:

*Almost loses wedding ring in comedic fall: check
*Drinks Nutty Professor juice, instantly knows how to dance and play piano, is mean to sweet girls: check
*Changes hairstyle when in Nutty Dr. Jekyll mode: check
*Waits outside girls window, only to have her turn and look at the spot where he was just as he steps out of sight. (Hint: Try something new: have them make eye contact, and then have a refrigeration unit fall out of a passing plane and crush him.)
*”best” friend jumps in front of proverbial bullet (blades in this case) to prevent his death & dies in turn (even though he probably would have survived that wound, especially if he survived a bomb to the head…). Hot Fuzz did this too, but it did it much better. Because it wasn’t SERIOUS!

OK, I just IMDB’d it. Sam Raimi has the shared writing credits with his brother Ivan Raimi. Note that neither of them is listed there for writing credits on the first 2 movies. So maybe that’s the problem – he can direct, but his writing is mediocre and sophomoric. I mean that in the sense of a sophomore in high school who has watched lots of throwaway American “cinema”, not a sophomore film major in college, who would have probably known better and avoided such basic stupidities as above.

Peter Parker hits Mary Jane. Nevermind that with his strength he should have broken her face, or that he was being “influenced” by an evil entity bonded to his skin (which came from a tiny meteor WHICH JUST SO HAPPENED to crash right next to his motorcycle without him seeing it), the point is that’s a line Spider-Man shouldn’t cross. Not every hero has to be all Hank Pym-wifebeater realistic…just let some of them be heroes for fuck’s sake. Seriously, fuck is hurting here. I was already annoyed that they made Peter Parker a killer in the 1st movie (ooo *realism* I love that in my super hero stories!)…now he killed the wrong guy, and hit Mary Jane. But he forgave Sandman, and let him get away, even though he probably killed/maimed a bunch of cops just 10 minutes earlier.

Oh, and later in the movie, he walks back into the same place of business where he hit MJ in front of the entire staff & crowd, and reaches his hand up to call her to him from the stage, and she comes to him, and they dance. How cu…stupid stupid stupid. So much for “realism.” Nevermind that someone would have called the cops the second they saw his brawlin’ woman beatin’ ass walk in the door. Wait, DO mind that.

It’s only the 3rd movie and they are already retconning the 1st one. This must be some kind of a record. An insane, insane record. Inserting a different “killer” into the 1st movie, and then saying the cops just decided never to tell them, that’s real writing for you! Oh, and his spider-sense is gone.

People have lost track of what makes a good movie, and instead of focusing on making the movie a good movie first, and a sequel second, they go overboard on trying to make sequels that “top” the predecessors. More villains, more “drama”, more stupidity. See X-Men 3, BM&R, Mannequin 2, etc. OK, just kidding about Mannequin 2…I think I was just fantasizing out loud about Brett Ratner being locked in a dungeon and forced to watch that movie forever. I kid Brett Ratner. I’m sure the screen writers had something to do with that suckpile too. But he does suck. Just in case I wasn’t clear on that.

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Responses

  1. spiderman 3 rocked …
    i liked it …

  2. spiderman 3 sucked…
    i loathed it…

  3. i agree with a few things. such as, spiderman killed the wrong guy and now he’s a villan (accidentally) and spidey forgave him, but hits MJ and then the whole staff of the jazz club thing, i totally agree with.

    I really like the sandman special affects and, come on – it’s aloud to be a little cheeky, it is a comic book character after allllllllll.

    I could say more, but i don’t care so much.

  4. re: meg
    Yeah, no doubt the special effects were worth the price of the ticket alone.

    Eh, it’s not like I had high hopes for it, something just felt really “by-the-numbers” or whatever about it…like it hit all the plot points too …too something-ly.

  5. re: Andy
    it was at least “fun” to go see and that’s all I was hoping for, I’m not as invested though as some people, so perhaps my opinion shouldn’t hold any weight.

    we’re all going to see Fantastic 4 though, right?!?!

  6. Wow, all your points made sense, i too hated the retcon, in fact, I hated sandman full stop…he was such a mopey dope. Duh…im sandman, please feel sorry for me.

    Loved the venom effects


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