Posted by: Andy | May 30, 2007

A tip for my fat brothers and sisters

Butter is not a lubricant – eating more will not help you to “slip” into those jeans.

I saw this chunk just a little bit ago at Sweet Tomatoes (which is perfect for the habitual chunk, because it has an all you can eat salad bar – so they can feel like they are being healthy, while still continue to get fatter because they are eating 3 plates worth of salad and a pound of dressing), and she had 2 pieces of bread and 3 little cups of butter. Why is this odd? Because it only takes me half a thing of butter for one piece of bread and a muffin, meaning she uses approximately 2.5x as much butter as I do on her bread. Which is really disgusting.

Which gave me a brilliant new idea for a product to market to my larger-than-life-size co-humans: the makers of I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter! now bring you I Can’t Believe the Food’s All Gone! Basically, it’s compressed lard in a can. You get 3 full hogs in one whip cream size dispenser. Just keep in on the table near you, and when the foods all gone….oh no it isn’t! Just spray that greasy treat right on your plate – it will even soak up flavors from whatever juices are still there (assuming you didn’t like the plate clean, or pour it down your throat).

Fine print: The makers of I Can’t Believe the Food’s All Gone! are not responsible for huge asses, premature death, premature early death, inability to move, painful bloating sensations, pleasant bloating sensations, nondescript bloating sensations or horrible bloody bowel movements.

Look for it soon at a grocery or feed store near you!



  1. your article is much more informatic for all of the visitor. I am very happy to read it. Thank you for it.

  2. Is that guy for real?

  3. I doubt it, seems harmless though.


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