Posted by: Andy | April 22, 2008

stuff I don’t like #5: fake-and-bakers

Fake tans. I can’t stand them.

There are lots of places to get fake tans in the Portland area. Because, you know, you won’t stand out at all in a city where THERE IS NO SUN 9+ months a year you have no sun. Here’s some random info about the history of sunless tanning (and the tanning fad in general).

Basically, lazy people who don’t actually work in the sun want to look like they do – ok, not exactly, BUT what the want is the natural result of being in the sun for long periods (historically the result of WORKING, but in the last 100 years those with time to spare (read: non-poor) have taken to languishing in the sun for whatever reason. But take the term “farmer tan” – a sort of condescending term, implying that one’s tan is similar to one actually gained from work – and thus uncool.

I don’t know if the previous paragraph makes sense, but the whole thing is funny/annoying to me.

But throw out everything and what you’re left with is that it is trendy to look dark (But not too dark! People with naturally dark/brown skin are scary! They will take your jobs and your women!). It is trendy and therefore people do it. People will take the path of least time (and often correspondingly most money). Even laying out in the sun all day actually takes time and *gasp* they don’t have that – time should be spent driving around in a hurry on a cell phone!

What really gets me is when people “tan” to like the nth degree and they look fucking orange. And they think this is hot. I mean, sure “hot” is subjective and all, but who the fuck thinks orange (and I’ve seen MUCH worse in real life, that’s just something that came up on the first google page) is hot? Well, them obviously I guess. And guys in general will fuck anything with a clear pathway to the funhole, orange or not. And Portland always has a decent amount of oranginas at any given point of the year. I mean, really, what are you supposed to think when you see them? “OH, they’ve obviously spent the last 4 months blasting their skin off on their yacht in the Caribbean!” I guess.

And it’s not like you could even CLAIM it is natural around here. At least lazy ass people in Cali who bakey bakey can try and be sly about it and pretend they were actually out in the sun (although of course they weren’t *gasp* working in it! That would be tacky! The work that is.). But here…no, no and NYET.

I guess it’s interesting that pale skin used to be the status symbol and now it’s flipped around. Oh, and don’t get me wrong, a tanned body can be HOT. But fake tan? You look nasty. But “Wait!” you say “I’m sure fake tans will eventually be indistinguishable from real tans!” Well, don’t you worry your pretty little orange head; I’m sure you’ll give me another reason to laugh at you.

Whatever, it’s annoying.



  1. You are hilarious baby!
    but YEAH.
    I’ve never understood how skin color is fashionable, like the girls who get a tan to go with their new outfit. But that’s just me. It truly irritates me to NO END when I hear talk of tanning salons. How did the Oompa Loompa look become sexy?

    I should really walk into JUNGLE TANS one day and request a bed. Wacky fun…

  2. I guess this is just more of the same: but watching women walk around the High street in Bangor in February (read: my ears felt like they were being torn off)…in spaghetti strapped shirts which showed off the LITERALLY orange hue… it was…hilarious? Is that the word? Cause I’m bundled up, there’s no direct sunlight here and you’re strolling around in tank tops, fake-baked and wearing uggs. You’re so California.

  3. A decent amount of oranginas any time of year? I got to get me up to Portland.

  4. Oh like Santa Barbara doesn’t have more fake sun than it has real! Which is sadly saying a lot.

    But yeah, you should come to Portland, if only to leave happily later knowing that you can indeed leave ;).

  5. Well, Santa Barbara has what it has, but I have to live here man.

  6. Hmm, that time stamp is off by an hour I think.
    Still, you’re up early!

    I miss Santa Barbara. Beach air, clear sky, less obese people than Portland and at least 2 great burger joints. And you of course!

    I look forward to visiting in a few months! Too bad we won’t have more time.

  7. White people aren’t supposed to be that tan. HOWEVER, tan fat looks better than white fat… hence the tan obsession. Look no further than ANY suburb bar and you will see this phenomenon in full effect.

  8. That’s a good question….does tan fat look better than untanned fat.

    In my mind it does not, because it says that the bearer of said fat is too lazy to do any actual work, but quite willing to pay money to lay down. Lazy != attractive for me.

    Of course, I’m sure the masses disagree with me – o else they wouldn’t be doing it!


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